Terrible Blogger

I admit – with the advent/popularity of FB and Twitter, I’m on there a whole lot more than I am here. It’s like my quick updates that I used to do here, are more suited for there. But in the process, I’ve lost touch with too many people that I met over my now 13+ year LJ/Blog experience, and I don’t really care for that.

It’s not just that though – I’ve got my family – first and foremost. Alex is heading to Kindergarden this year, which I’m still in denial about. And Zoe is getting ready to hit preschool for real. She’ll be 3 next month, and it’s blowing my mind. They’re both such little personalities – parts crazy and intellectual, caring and bossy. They keep me busy, warm my heard and drive me nuts. :)

I’ve also got roller derby – I do too much there, but that’s because I care about it a lot. I’m trying to reduce the amount that I do now that there’s a lot of able hands, and it’s working, but slow to extricate myself. I’m a team Captain (which I love but a break for a year could be nice) which means I’m also a board member, I lead the Fresh Meat (new skater) training program, and handle tickets for bout production/other events. It’s a lot to do, in addition to the helping out in other areas that I try to offer as well. I would mind less if it wasn’t another part time job to fill up too many hours of the day.

Then there’s my etsy store – I revived it at the end of last year, and have enjoyed a lot of success with it. At least from the perspective of my own personal goals. I wanted to work at least one craft show this year (I’ve done three so far, with at least one more on the horizon) and sell a decent amount a month. I’d like to – and think I could – do a lot more, but my time has been so limited, and I’d rather spend my time with my family than in my craft room.

Throughout all of this is a troubling and long lasting bout of depression that’s hung with me since the end of last year. It’s like a cloying fog that’s impacted nearly everything. I’m hoping writing about it – and writing more – will help it some. I’m also reconsidering medications, but in the past they’ve always made me rather neutral rather than happy. I’d almost rather feel something instead of nothing, so I’m still just thinking.

But in my core, I’m happy. I’m a lucky person with a lovely life. I just need to be able to stop and smell those roses and I’ll be good. I think.

Current Mood: (tired) tired

Saturday will be my first year home

Honestly this has been the most challenging, oddest year of my life. I’ve learned a lot about who I am, who I’m not, and most importantly – who I want to be.

My kids are a constant wonder; even when they’re frustrating and make me want to scream, they’re amazing little things that make my  heart warm and my face smile. They’re the light of my life.

And even in the harshest light, and on the hardest days – I’ve never once said, “Oh I wish I hadn’t done this.” I call that a success.


Trading in my heels for Sneaks

There is a long story that was the breaking point for this decision, but if I must be honest – my heart was never as into work as it was before having children. My goals changed, my focus shifted, and my direction was more clear. I recalled my own youth, where my mother was the mom who was on every field trip, was at every school event, and made me breakfast every morning. It was she who was there when I fell on the playground, dusted me off and sent me back on my way. And even though I have nothing but respect for the choices of working moms (being still one myself at the time of this writing), there was a hole in my heart when I watched the bond my children was building with others that were not their parents. But, staying home was a pipe dream; after all, you can’t just walk away from a 14 year career. Right?

Luckily for me, the answer was: Wrong.

We decided – jointly – that what was best for each and every one of us in our family was for me to change jobs, and focus on our children and our household. It wasn’t an easy decision; it involved lots of spreadsheets, discussion, and reflection. But in the end, the choice was clear. And after it was made, and after I owned it – really owned it – it just felt right. The kids are excited, although I’m not sure that the younger one gets it at all. Alex though – he’s thrilled. At least he thinks he is now. :P

June 15th is the last day before my big promotion. After that, I will be the President and CEO of my own domain, Queen of the household. I may get a tiara. In fact, I think that’ll be on my ever-growing list of things to do. I can’t wait to see what’s in store for us. More on THAT to follow. I’m thinking that blogging (and hopefully crafting along with it, adding to that section of this blog) will be more fruitful.

On being a Liberal and Media Elitism

So I’m not a big fan of people accusing the media of being elitist. I think it’s subjective, and difficult to prove – not only on an article by article basis, but it’s just an easy straw man to raise when you are not in general agreement with the premise of the current tone of the country.

All that being said, someone is wrong on the internet.

It all started when one David Henderson (who I had never heard of, but my husband followed) posted an overdramatic title to an article I actually happened to agree with. The topic was Wikipedia, and how rampant editor abuse can be there. Rather than a researched article however, this was based off his personal experience. It’s on his blog, so that’s really just fine.

However, when my husband took umbredge with the hyperbolic title for what would be otherwise a good piece of information, he received this:

I admit – I get a little momma bear at times, and got into the fray. My issue here was that my husband was apparently ‘not worthy’ of an intelligent discussion with — because he doesn’t choose to put his blog/website/etc in his twitter profile. He wanted more information, and instead of some discourse (on a topic that again – we agree with this gentleman on) – he effectively got shat on. Classy.

You can look up my exchanges with him too, but it involved pointing out that he was not really communicating well, and him calling me “barely lucid”. And this isn’t even the worst of it. My husband emailed him to try to get his point across (bless his heart), and this is what he received in response.

Now, I admit it – totally biased here. But David’s response was so condescending, so laughably unprofessional, it exposed to me a little of what those who refer to the ‘media elite’ mean. And considering how much we both know about social media, the whole thing just is irony in the greatest degree.

This man managed to turn two people (again – who AGREE with his point nearly completely) from social media supporters to detractors. Why? Pretty much because he couldn’t be bothered to read what we were actually saying to him, and thinking he was clearly better than us (which in all honesty may be true, but again – that’s rather subjective for him to just toss out there as an assertion).

For some reason this brings me great amusement, because at the end of the day I know who really understands social media better. And it’s not someone who has to note that he’s got an Emmy on a twitter bio.

Update: @Jimmy_wales? Responded to husband more than willing to talk to him to clarify. That’s all he wanted, in the end. So the founder of Wikipedia is glad to converse, some random blogger gets all elitist. For those keeping score at home.

Update #2: The article in question from Wikipedia? Apparently Mr. Henderson had created his OWN Wikipage with no citations about all of his awards, and when he broke the rules that he clearly didn’t read, he got butthurt about it. NOW I get it. He’s being a petulant, over defensive kidlet.

i am a fucking terrible blogger

you’d think that after over a decade (really, i started my first online blog before they were known as such as sort of a running commentary/online diary in 1998) i’d keep it up on a semi-regular basis. hell, i even have a stack of paper journals that i kept during college that were sometimes the stuff of legends. everyone knew about them, and respected them. even though one had a  stuffed bear on the cover. it was super hardcore inside of course (not).

but no, it’s almost always the thing i want to sit down and hammer out, but the last thing I remember to do before hitting the pillow. and as a quick aside, holy shit was i emo in 1998. song lyrics? shudder. i’m going to have to close that window before i take a well intentioned but ego-murdering walk down memory lane.

it’s not really as big of a personal failing when you look over the ones i know that i do have, but i wish i did it more. i like to keep track of things (the amount of love i have for my fitbit is just dumb) so it’s right up my alley. but it’s the catharthic process of pouring out a little bit of myself that i’ve had a hard time with lately. although there’s no shortage of shit i need to work out in this fashion for sure.

is it mommy insecurity? body image issues? the absolute overcommitment issues i have that both drive me and injury me? yes. it’s happy stuff too, my awesome family (kids and chris are doing mostly wonderful, everyone else too), the good life i get to lead – all of that too. it’s just locked up.

maybe if my ipad had a better interface for wordpress i’d post more, but that’s sort of a fable too, isn’t it? i just need to motivate myself, like with everything else in my life. actually commit to do the things i want to do, not just the things i have to do. maybe that’ll be part of my new years resolutions.

oh yes. one more thing i need to do. that, and get a better spam comment pluging because – holy crap. god forbid i have a real comment in there, i’d almost never see it.

over and under – first world problems

i don’t blog a whole lot as of late. it’s hardly that i have nothing to say (when have i ever had that problem), but it’s that i’ve got a never ending dearth of things going on. this is both a good thing and a bad thing. i am most sane when i am most engaged. but the level of stress i’m having in some parts of my life (which i don’t blog about, i’m sure you can figure out which category that might be by checking my tags for this post) are really amazingly crushing. it’s taking a toll for sure and i don’t care for it.

i also have a lot of guilt surrounding these ‘crushing’ feelings. it’s a first world problem for sure. i’m very lucky to have what i have, and to do what i do. that being said, i’d love to throw it all away and be at home with my kids. just not in the cards these days.

so for the time being, i’ll continue to try not to feel bad for myself, and not self-focus as much as i have been. i feel like i’m losing touch with people and in general, and i don’t like it.

Back to Derby

It’s actually been a while, but then again it’s been a while since I’ve posted as well.

In April a league formed literally in my backyard. Like, there’s not a closer place to skate than the place we had our first meetup, and I used to practice there all the time. It was fate. I’d looked into other leagues (DCRG moved their practices into the District proper shortly after I was unable to continue as meat with them in 2008, and it’s just too far to go) but none piqued my interest until now.

I’m skating with NOVA Roller Derby, and when I’m out there you can call me Loudoun Dirty, #37 in a row :) It’s amazeballs to be skating again, and with such a fantastic group of women to be sure. There’s even a video from practice last night that was just posted (Just pay no attention to elbows mcghee over here):

I’m currently skating with:

-Triple 8 Brainsaver helmet

-187 Killer Wrist/Elbow/Kneepads

-Riedell 265 Wickeds

-ATOM G-Rods are my go to wheel at the moment, but I also love my pusher combo from Heartless

-Astronuts & Gumball toe stops

I’m pretty happy with the setup – The practice surface we’ve got right now is super slippy some nights, but in generally these wheels are doing me up right. I’m happy to be back doing this, and even though I’m not at a level where I consider myself good – I’m closer than I’ve ever been before. My endurance is up, my skills are shaping up, and I’m generally pleased with my progress. I’ve got a lot of work to do – I can’t wait to do it!

Current Mood: (cheerful) cheerful

Originally published at misty.org - girl.geek.wife.mom

to a specific place, or time, or even emotion.

today it was tied, a song by a band named Tribe (not A Tribe Called Quest which is a common question when i mention them) – they were a boston band that was wonderful and awesome, and i saw them live often in college.  there’s even a tribe track in rock band – outside – because some of the former band members work for harmonix.

but tied makes me think of one specific show that i went to, right in lowell – the city i went to college in. i went with carla, and her boyfriend rob, and some other people who i just don’t remember. we must have arrived super early, because we managed to be right at the stage. and when the band took it, they took my breath away.

the lead singer (janet lavalley) had a command of the stage – strong and sexy in a way i may not have truly seen since.  she was self confidence with a singing voice and she was right there in front of me. she was real and raw and amazing.

right next to her on keyboards was terri barous - just as beautiful as janet but in a different, more demure way. she was almost the foil to janet’s on stage persona, a quiet and almost gentle force that gave you another alternative for your female role band girl role model. she sang sometimes too, and never looked completely comfortable; it only added to her charm. between the two of them i never wanted to be a rock star so bad in my entire life as i did at that show, and never since.

the other reason this particular show is memorable to me among the other tribe shows i saw is that before the encore a fight broke out right behind me. dude wanted to get to the front of the stage and no one was having it, so he was forcing the issue. i was punched in the back, and shoved – hard – right into and onto the stage. my friend’s boyfriend came to my aid, and then climbed up on the stage to see if i was alright (as you might be able to visualize this was NOT a high stage, if i had looked straight ahead i was knee level to them). security had been slow when i stumbled on the stage, but with two of us up there they quickly escorted us out.

backstage, someone who i believe was the drummer asked me if i was alright, as he had seen the entire thing. he quickly grabbed a set list, and asked if i wanted it – perhaps the only thing he could offer at that time, and i took it thankfully like a true fan girl. i was alright after all, and getting to speak to someone who at the time (and really still now) was in one of my favorite bands i was sort of star stunned. security came over and took both rob and i to escort, and i heard the drummer tell him to bring us back to the audience as we had done nothing wrong.

security either didn’t hear him, or didn’t care. next thing we knew we were outside in the cold night air, alone with a handle-less door slammed in our face. we had been kicked out of the show.

we didn’t care. we started to laugh, and with only two or three more songs remaining we knew that we would not only see the band again in the future, but had a story to tell. i think of all the shows i’ve ever been to, that stands still as my absolute favorite.

all that from one song. i never doubt the power music has on us. :P

i couldn’t find the song that came up this morning, but this is sing to neptune which is among my favorite songs by tribe (which really isn’t fair because i love almost every one of them), and rescue me with terri singing too. i’m not sure if they’re on itunes, but i you ever want to hear them i have the cd’s still and am always happy to lend.

wibbly wobbly timey wimey stuff

i maybe in love with a doctor. but he’s not that kind of doctor.

i’ve been watching entirely too much doctor who these days. i haven’t liked a show like this since BSG, and it’s a delight to have a nice serial to go home to and watch when i have the time to do so. i was enamored of eccleston, but i’ve fast found the same affection for tennant. there is an internal struggle going on to both watch the new/rebooted series AS FAST AS HUMANLY POSSIBLE so i can start watching the new ones on 4/26 when they show on BBC America. but at the same time i want to savor them, and not rush watching them because when i hit bottom i have to wait WHOLE WEEKS to see new ones. my first world problems, let me show you them. i may even already have two tshirts. maybe.

in other time travel news, alex will be 3 years old on sunday. i find that incredible, difficult to believe, and wonderful. he is growing up to be an amazing and hysterical little boy, and i am thankful for his continued health and love every day.

i want to post a birth/3 picture but i don’t have any i’ve taken in the past few weeks (and really these days he changes so frequently!) — so here’s a video of him and zoe playing together. i’m a lucky woman, that’s for sure.

but i really have been depressed for a while now. my focus is gone, my energy level is nil. i’m even getting weepy – not like myself at all, honestly. i’ve given a lot of thought about writing all of this down, because let’s be truthful – who knows who really reads this. is it someone i work with, would it get back to people who might treat me or think of me differently? i guess my final answer when really given all that to chew on is – i don’t particularly care. this is who i am, and i’ve been apologetic for it too many times in my life.

i barely even know how to sum up my thoughts lately, but i do know one important thing – my priorities in life have shifted, and i would consider them in the right place. this means a lot of things though, least of which that my desire to be a career woman/working mother is all but gone. i want a career change,and am applying to be a domestic engineer. it’s quite a pay cut, but the other compensation more than makes up for it. but, we still need to determine if that’s a viable option from the home front angle. how affordable is our lifestyle – even after cutting things out – without my paycheck.

am i sure this is the only source of my depression? absolutely not. but i do know that even if staying home didn’t fix my sadness, it would fix the hole in my heart that forms every day when i leave my kids. i understand that the grass is always greener, and that the level that they will drive me nuts if i get to stay home with them is equal to what i have to deal with at work. but at least i will love them. i mean my coworkers are good people, but i didn’t give birth to them. :p

i am ready to be a mom full time. i am ready to leave this phase of my life behind. the problem comes truly if we can’t afford it – how do i get myself out of this headspace and back to a place where i can commit to my career? i mean, it’s not faltering (at least i don’t think it is) but i can’t see my drive lasting through another 3-5 years.

i am lucky to have these problems, i know. but problems they are, and right now they’re just knocking around in my head and coming out in an inarticulate manor. bleh.


cleverly disguised as a responsible adult

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